{Insert Evil Cackle}

Growing up, watching my Mother snoop around looking for any indiscretions on my Father's behalf, checking pockets, "cleaning the car"; just looking for anything to have as "evidence", I learned. Don't go looking for shit if you don't really wanna know! And as the previous sentence may cause you to believe, lo and behold, she found the aforementioned "shit". Numbers on ripped of pieces of paper, little notes, receipts and things like that.

There we many times I've stumbled across notes, no BOOKS, written to my father about what ever the problem was at that time. Now, I understand writing your feelings down. But leaving it around it hopes that the intended precipitant would get it? FAIL

I say this to say, don't go looking for things if you don't truly want the answer. If you have a gut feeling, like it wakes you up and keeps you from sleep...LISTEN to that shit.

Let's say you do snoop...and you find everything you needed to find. Then what? I bet all that shit you talked about doing goes right out the window and you're left with nothing but the hurt of the truth. What are you gonna do then? Maybe...just may be...stop to think "what did I do that caused this to happen?"

EGASP!!! Is Kee saying that sometimes the other person can be a cause or attribute to what went wrong? You're damn skippy.

{insert evil cackle}

*Muhahahahahahahahahaaaa

At this point in life...

Ever since I separated from my ex, I swore off "catching feelings" for any one. Anything that seems to be going toward even maybe perhaps thinking about maybe feeling something, I immediately remove myself from the situation. Now, with that being said, let's rewind a few months...January to be exact.

Now being the random person I am, I don't mind talking to people online because hey, I get bored. Wait...before I go any further, this isn't me saying 'Yes!! Meet people in public from online" it's a risk and can be dangerous. Getting back to said story...I met "Jody" online well over a year ago, I'm a member of a website that's a planetoid for people containing melanin (some of you will get that on the way home) and I got a little box saying that someone wanting to chat with me. I accepted it because, why not? Immediately, I went to his page and looked at his pics...not someone I'd "go for" but someone to talk to nonetheless.

Conversation grew & I felt comfortable enough to give him my Yahoo messenger name, it's the quickest way to contact me. Slowly, we talked and after a while he gave me his number (oh yea), occasionally we would text and what not. This went on for months; finally, we were supposed to get up one night. I got re-dressed and waited...and waited...and fell asleep. Now, this put a bad taste in my mouth about him. I chucked it up as another dumb ass person & kept it moving. Needless to say that number was erased off my phone.

A few weeks later...Jody contacted me. Saying that we should meet up for real. I obliged & we did. We went to a local wing & beer bar, headed there, I saw a tweeter in his car. Now, I didn't know what I tweeter is & I asked him what was it. I guess the way I asked him made him question his own self. The first 15 mins with the man, in person, and my inner blonde comes out...FULL BLAST. We laughed so hard & the rest of the night was like that.

Fast Forward to now, I've spent so much time with Jody it's like I can't not spend time with him. I'm at a point where it's like I'm in a constant state of PMS and Jody, he's my Chocolate I indulge in while listening to smooth R&B. Yes, it's just like that.

{insert the problems} I met him when he was single, now he's not. I don't want him to leave his woman so he can be my man, I want him to be single so I can not feel bad about what goes on. I mean, why would I want to (officially) be with him? If you cheated for me, why wouldn't you cheat on me? (thank you Ginuwine )

I tried to distance myself from him but that first full 24 hours actually ached, I really felt different knowing Jody wasn't going to be apart of my daily {routine}. At this point, I'm so conflicted I don't know what to do. A part of me is being selfish and wrong by stealing him because that's what I'm doing. Each time we're together, every hug is strong & meaningful, every kiss is euphorically toxic & the sex....*Geeking*.

But again, I'm on the side. Even though I get more attention & time than the actual woman; I get pissed when she calls or if I know he's with her. This is so just, not right. Plus, I've always been that friend to say "stop it" & try to put yourself in her position. What if she finds out? It's always the side chick who gets the short stick in the long run. And I'm soooo not up for having my feelings crushed again for the 2nd time in a two years. Damn, I have feelings for Jody....lastly, what makes this worse is that Jody reciprocates the feelings I have.

Go Kee...put this under the "Side Chick" series of your life.
Comments & Advice are welcomed. I know what I'm doing is wrong but I don't care (for now).

Meet Kee...a beatnik

The last time I tried the relationship thing, I was 18.
We were inseparable the first two years of it, he accepted my two children & wanted to build on "us".
I was so elated that someone could and would love me for me and accept my flaws and my idiosyncratic ways.
In comes 2006 (I'm 20) when i learn I'm pregnant with our first child (my 3rd, his 1st). I'm thinking there is no way we can't do anything than get better.
***Boy was I wrong***
Our euphoria began to dissolve, rapidly. As reality set in that he wasn't going to be able to rip & run anymore, his excitement began to become discontent. All of a sudden, I'm 5 months pregnant and single. Yep. He sent me a text message that he didn't want me nor the child so he'd pay for my abortion. All true.

At that time I saw that he was more scared than anything so, I fought for us. After about a month, we were back together but the palpable love & that unmistakable beautiful bond that we once shared was gone.

We (barely) stayed together for two more years and we had another child together. By the time I left him, I was a broken shell. No longer did I believe in love or being happy or that any man would want me (now with 4 children).

Fastforward to 2010:
I'm now 24 still harboring the same feelings toward relationships. Secretly, I would love to have that one person who just by seeing makes my soul happy. Something so awesome between us that anyone near us could see it. I used to be in love with the idea of love, but now I know it's love that I'm in love with...no longer just the idea. I mean I think I could be a pretty great significant other however, like anyone, I have my faults & flaws.

Recently, I thought I found someone who accepted that. He lured me in with beautiful words spun so delicately I had not choice but to swoon over what may become. Promises of happiness and told how I'd be treated like a Queen by a "real" man. How he wanted someone to love and spoil if he received the same in return. I let down my guard for this man, I wore a dress!!! OMG!! I let feelings be expressed by me & I don't do that. I really hoped I had something going here.
Only to see after one real "date" I was laid claim to like property and told to drop all my friends. Now, I wouldn't have had a problem with that, it's just the way it was handled was immature. I figured hey, this guy is older than me (7 years) maybe I'll happily skip over the foolishness. **Damn, I am awesome at picking assholes**

And all this rant comes to this...I'm too much of me to be with anyone who can't accept me. I'm not gonna change an ounce of me for any of you. You met me being who & how I am. So how can you say you care if you want me to change? Alas, I think I'm going to be single for a while. ♥ Qué Será Será ♥

I'm great at making bad decisions

Again, it has been a while.

Therefore, I feel as though a good blog is over due. So, sorry. I haven't sat down and thought out what I'm gonna say so...you get Kee 100% random.

Where do I begin? Ahh...with the men that interrupt my life.

Since I've last blogged, I've had my thought process questioned plenty of times.

Seems as though my mind, subconsciously seeks out men that I can never lay claim to but merely borrow for a certain period of time. And that's fine...well it used to be.

As of late, I'm finding myself finding great men only for us to fade into a beautiful oblivion, rendezvous then I'm though with you (love that line ).

Back to what I was saying...I guess with me getting older that part of your soul that desires a connection with a significant other is calling out. Yes, I'd love to have someone...but I'm too much of me to conform for them.

Now when I say "conform" I don't mean lose myself completely but I know it could happen.

No matter how "hard" or carefree a someone may come off, they would love to go home to someone or have that one person that just by seeing they called have them smiling the rest of the day. I have an awesome talent at making terrible decisions that always come back to haunt me.

For example; I worked with who, I thought, was the sexiest damn man to walk this earth...and that dissipated before it could actually get started. Why? Because I chose to talk to a man who had a child & was in limbo as far as the relationship with the child's mother was concerned. Bad idea...Bad idea.

I seem to make the same mistake over & over...and currently the last worst mistake I made turned out to be the greatest ever all the while slowly paining me at the same time.

~This has to stop....I digress